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Why A Men's Center?
by Steven Botkin* |
Because men are hurting. Many men are in pain. This pain can be physical, mental or emotional, usually all three. Some men recognize it, many men do not. Often men try not to pay attention to their pain. We have learned to "suck it up," "hold it in," "walk it off." We believe that admitting our pain to others is an admission of weakness, proof of not being a "real man," letting others down, and an invitation to be shamed and abused. We often end up isolated and afraid in our pain. Addictive and abusive behaviors are one way we attempt to cope with this hidden pain.
At a men's center a safe place is created where men are encouraged to respect the full range of our feelings, where we do not have to deny our pain, our fear, our anger or our joy, where men come together to witness and support each other in expressing ourselves clearly and honestly. We break through our fears and learn that our greatest strength is in our vulnerability with ourselves and others.
Because men are hurting others. Violence in our relationships, in our families, on our streets, and in our schools continues to be one of the most significant social issues of our time. Much (although not all) of this violence seems to be done by men and teen-age boys. Although we have a growing number of legal and social services for victims of violence, our society has not yet developed an array of effective resources for addressing the perpetrators.
At a men's center men join together in learning how to recognize and take responsibility for our patterns of hurtful behavior. We examine how the social and psychological dimensions of masculinity have affected us personally and created the conditions for violence and abuse. We share and support each other's efforts to change these patterns, individually and culturally. We join as allies with women in challenging cultural and institutional systems of domination and control. We offer each other and our society models of recovery, safety, empowerment and hope.
Because men are divided against each other. From an early age males learn to compete against each other. We are taught to think about ourselves literally as potential soldiers fighting other men to the death in combat. Other men are seen as enemies, dangerous, from whom we have to defend ourselves and our family, someone competing for limited resources. We have used differences of race, nationality, class, and sexual orientation as battlegrounds fueling our fear of other men.
At a men's center men come together with an agreement of honesty and respect for each other. We learn to put aside our fears and create a culture where we can practice understanding rather than winning, communication rather than fighting, sharing rather than defending. We become a place where men from different backgrounds, lifestyles and communities can learn to feel safe with, listen to and care for each other.
Because masculinity is in transition. Our understanding of what it takes to be a successful man is going through big changes. We are being called upon to develop new ways of relating to our emotions, our partners/wives, our children, and our work. These changes can easily leave us feeling confused, disoriented and overwhelmed.
At a men's center men find others who are facing the challenges of these changes. Together we resist the pressures to adapt to a rigid, dominating masculinity, and support each other in developing diverse ways of being a man that express our highest values and visions. We are creating a new, more healthy culture of masculinity.
Because men want to help. Many men care about violence, oppression, inequality, liberation and healing. Although we may want to take a stand, speak out, make a difference, we often feel uncertain, scared, isolated, silenced and powerless.
At a men's center men join together with other men who want to make a contribution to the lives of the men, women and children in their communities. Together we find ways to take actions that give voice to our caring and our commitment. We learn how to work collaboratively with each other and with women, developing shared power and leadership. A men's center offers training and opportunities for men's leadership and community activism.
Why a men's center? Because it makes a unique and significant difference in the life of individual men, women and children, and the health of our communities and our society.
Steven Botkin is the former Executive Director of the Men's Resource Center of Western MA, and the current Director of the Men's Resource Center Coalition. |
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